StarLight
by Hive Malkavian
Summary: Jeff thinks back on a very special day.


**Star Light**

Disclaimer: Not mine, never will be. Poopie.

Summary: It's John's birthday, but he can't come home. Jeff remembers the past.

Authors Note: This is movie verse, I can't remember enough from the TV series but I'm pretty sure that Lucy died having Alan in that one and John was the middle child. So here Lucy died in the avalanche and John is second oldest. If I'm right, if I'm not then shoot me.

Still British, still using an English dictionary, still spelling colour with a u.

No beta reader, mainly cause I don't have one anymore.

Star Light

_Star light, star bright,_

_First star I see tonight,_

_I wish I may, I wish I might,_

_Have this wish I wish tonight._

I can remember when Lucy taught John that poem. He was seven, just before Alan was born, Lucy had taken him to the roof to show him the stars. John had fallen in love with them instantly, sharing his mother's interest. Lucy taught him the poem, and every night afterwards John would watch the stars, hoping to see a lone one to make a wish on.

I knew he spoke to the stars, knew he shared problems with them. Knew he saw his mother in them. I sometimes see her there too. John and Lucy were so alike; there's so much in him that was my Lucy. It's only expected that he'd love the stars like her.

He's the reason I'm standing here, watching the stars at 4 in the morning, before the sun rises in the sky and the stars and moon hide for the day. John was 23 today. And he's still in space. There were just too many abnormalities with the geology of the earth; John had refused to come down, saying it was asking for trouble.

I'd told him we'd celebrate the following week then, he'd just looked at me, an eyebrow raised in question. That was when Scott realised what had happened.

"_You've forgotten your own birthday?" Scott asked, shell shocked at the possibility. "How can you forget your birthday?" John just shrugged over the vid-link._

"_I've been a little more preoccupied lately, Scott. Besides, what's another year?" John answered nonchalantly._

"_How can you not be bummed?" Gordon added, he had always been one for birthdays. He figured it was the most important day of the year, second only to Christmas. "This is your day, the one day of the year that you can get away with nearly anything. How can you pass that up?" _

_John laughed, "Because I'm older and wiser than you, Gordy. It's just another day."_

It never used to be like that with John, he used to love his birthday as much as anyone. But after Lucy died, things started to change. For Scott it was his maturity. He started to act more grown up, since he was only 13 I think I may have just put it down to adolescence, but I can't say that now. Virgil had thrown himself into school and music, using them to forget the void. Gordon and Alan were only young; they were still dependent on someone. It should've been me. Instead it was John.

I was regressing further and further away from my family. I hadn't been home before midnight for nearly two weeks after Lucy had died, I didn't see the boys in the morning or at night, and I had taken to drinking. Something Scott and I usually clashed heads over when he waited for me to come in. It had taken a lot for me to notice how neglectful I had become of my boys. Missing John's 11th birthday was just one of them.

_It was midnight when I got home, a usual occurrence by then. I expected everyone to be in their beds, all the lights to be out and the front door to be locked. So when I found John sitting on the porch and the living room light on my first reaction was to be angry._

"_Isn't it past your bed time?" I asked, approaching the house. John just looked at me, anger and annoyance in his eyes. "And what on earth are your brothers doing up? It's a school night." John slowly rose from his sitting position, the front door opening to reveal and equally angry Scott and Virgil. I could see Gordon and Alan in the background, sitting on the steps with hats on their heads._

"_Yeah, your right. I should've been in bed a long time ago. Sorry to be an inconvenience Dad." John spat. I could swear I heard hate in his voice, he had never taken that tone with me before. Scott stepped aside for John to pass, I heard the whispered goodnights and John picked Alan up, taking Gordon along with him. At least he was taking the younger two to bed._

"_Virgil, you should head up to bed too." Scott said, his gaze not wavering from me. I knew then that I was missing something, Scott had been mad before, but never this bad. Virgil nodded, not even saying a thing to me. Scott stood aside, indicating that I should enter the house. "We probably shouldn't have this discussion on the street." And by God did he should older than his 13 years. _

"_What the hell is going on here?" I asked, knowing that I didn't need to keep my voice down. I didn't even try. Knowing Virgil and Gordon, they'd be sitting listening to it all._

"_We waited for you to come home for supper." I was told. "We waited since 6." This threw me, I hadn't been home for supper for a while, I knew Scott and John could handle it, so I didn't bother with making sure I was home. Our neighbour had already offered to help take care of the boys, ready made meals being sent over, just needing to be heated. "You don't even remember." Scott whispered._

"_What are you on about?" I asked, feeling rather put out._

"_I can't believe this. You…how can you forget?" Scott asked, looking at me as if I held all the answers. "I can understand forgetting about Gordon's parent meeting, I can forgive forgetting Virgil's music recital, but this is pushing it."_

"_Would someone care to inform me of what I've forgotten?" I yelled, hearing a startled gasp from the top of the stairs. "If you two are going to sit and listen do it down here." I called, expecting Gordon and Virgil to run to their beds now. What I hadn't expected was John to walk down the stairs, tears in his eyes._

"_You really forgot?" He questioned. "I thought maybe you didn't want to come home, that maybe it was just too hard. But you forgot, didn't you?" _

"_What? What did I forget?" I was on the edge of just screaming at them, couldn't they just answer one of my questions._

"_My birthday!" John yelled back, the tears rolling down his cheeks. "I was born 11 years ago today!" It had always been special; a birthday was held in high regards with Lucy, my Lucille always said it was a special day, the fact that I had completely forgotten John's special day was clearly devastating to John._

_John turned and ran up the stairs, slamming his own door._

"_I had no idea…"_

"_That much is obvious." Scott said coldly. "You don't seem to care about anything anymore. And that's crushing them. It's crushing me too Dad." Scott sat down on the sofa, sighing heavily. "John and I are too young to take care of them you know. Gordon's flunking school, he's disruptive, seeking any kind of attention. Virgil is giving up on his music, wasting his talent. Alan needs constant supervision; there's never anyone home to look after him. John's losing interest in everything. I'm raising Gordon and Virgil while he takes care of Alan." Scott glared at me accusingly. "Alan keeps asking if you're with mom! He thinks that John is his new Dad! We can't handle this!"_

_It hit me how much I hadn't seen them. How bad I had been since returning from that skiing trip, since Lucille died, since my Lucy left me. I hadn't hugged them or kissed them once since that day. Hadn't really seen them since they went back to school or I went to work. I had immersed myself with work, cutting myself off from all and any emotion. Scared that I'd have some sort of breakdown without her._

"_We miss her too, but we need to stick together Dad. Not fall apart." And then he left, leaving me with my thoughts and a cold empty room. _

_John would hate me. Gordon and Virgil would probably hold it against me for a while, and Alan, well, Alan was too young to remember everything. I'd just have to make it up to them all. Somehow, I'd find a way to make it all better._

_It took me a while but eventually I went upstairs, I was headed for my own room when a noise distracted me to John's room. I pushed the door open slowly and quietly, not wanting to let him know I was there. He was sitting on his bed, head between his hands, crying. I couldn't believe that I had forgotten, the past few weeks had been a blur, I hadn't kept track of dates, clearly I should've._

_I opened the door fully and went over to him, sitting on the bed and cautiously wrapping an arm around his shoulders, pulling him against my chest. John tensed slightly, almost pushing away from me before just relaxing and sobbing against my shirt. I just held him, letting him cry against me, cursing myself for doing this to him. _

"_I'm sorry John, I'm so very sorry." He choked a little on a sob before looking up at me._

"_I'm sorry too Dad, I didn't mean to yell at you. I'm sorry." He threw his arms around my neck, holding tightly. "I love you, Daddy, I really do." He hadn't called me Daddy since he was 8. It just made me hold tighter to him, burying my face in his shoulder. _

"_I love you too Johnny."_

I had never missed one of their birthdays after that. Never.

I was always home on the weekends and I took the boys to school in the morning. It had been the wake up call I needed, but there had been more to follow. Scott and John making sure I never slipped into self pity again, they kept reminding me about how much they still needed me, and once Scott even pointed out how Lucille would've reacted to my treatment of the boys.

It had been a long road, but we had all got there in the end. The family stayed strong and was still moving from strength to strength. I can only be glad that I have such wonderful children, and that they turned out so well.

"Can we call now Dad?" Gordon asked, peering at me from behind the cereal box. It was the fourth time he'd asked the question in the past thirty minutes. When he'd first arrived that morning he'd asked instantly if he could call John. I'd told him to wait for his brothers and then told him no when he'd asked if he could go and wake them. It seemed Gordon was determined to remember John's birthday for him.

"Fine," I said with a sigh, deciding that enough was enough. If Gordon was that desperate so be it. He bolted out of the kitchen; Alan hot on his heels with Virgil and Scott laughing slightly as they followed and I took up the rear. I wondered if maybe this was Gordon remembering John's forgotten birthday. If Gordon, who seemed to be the most thoughtful of others feelings despite his childish behaviour, was making sure that John didn't have to relive that memory.

"He's not answering." Alan said to me as I approached the desk, Gordon constantly chanting John's name over the audio link to Thunderbird 5.

"Maybe he's still asleep." Virgil offered. Scott just scoffed, when he noticed my quizzical look he elaborated.

"John hasn't slept past 7am since he was nine." That's news, something I had never really though of. Why seven? And why that age? "Gordon used to wake up from nightmares round about then, always woke up John." John had been in the room next to Gordon, I remembered then. Gordon had nightmares after watching 'The Exorcist'. Something Lucy and I told him not to do. But Scott had a copy and Gordon, ever the sneak, somehow got a hold of it, watching it when he was only three.

"John! JOHNNY!" Gordon yelled.

"WHAT!" The reply finally coming from space.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" Gordon replied, completely ignoring the irritation in his elder brother's voice. Virgil turned on the visual and that's when I noticed why John had taken so long to reply to the audio. He was soaking wet; hair plastered to his face and flushed red. He had been showering. "How's it feel being an old man?"

"Not bad, better than you do." John replied with a grin, the annoyance leaving his face.

"What?" Scott hit Gordon over the back of the head, answering his query.

"I'm older than John!" Now the annoyance had switched to Scott. I shook my head, sometimes seeing the boys they once were in the men they are now. Although Gordon and Alan still are my boys, the others have grown out of the endearment, Virgil now glaring when someone calls him boy.

"You having fun up there?" My middle son asked, teasing his older brother.

"Probably less than you're having squirt." That was when something distracted him off screen. He left the area of visual for a moment, before returning. "Time for work, brother's dear." He said with a smile. "Mudslide in Taiwan. Authorities need help evacuating."

"FAB John, suit up boys." I say from behind, slipping straight into the role. I always have done, it's just been natural. Alan looks at me expectantly, and John nods behind him, telling me that I should let him go. "Go get ready Alan."

"YES!" He beams and runs off, almost making my day. I sit in the seat now vacated by Gordon and regard my wet but happy son.

"Happy Birthday Johnny." He smiles wildly and I know it means a lot to him, almost as much as Alan's happiness means to him, the blond never truly regressing from his semi-parental role over the boy.

"Thanks Dad."

And although John's not home on his birthday, we can celebrate a little.

END


End file.
